I am blessed to introduce the lovely Becky to all of you. She is a beautiful young lady with a genuine heart for Jesus and has agreed to graciously share from a place of vulnerability and loss with us. I am so grateful for this treasured authenticity and wisdom. Thank you Becky! ~Christie
Realizing….Here I am, back at the Toronto airport. I’ve been doing this for the past year and I’m exhausted. What was supposed to be a vacation, felt more like an unsuccessful trip to “process” losses in my life–recent and old. If I’m going to be honest, I didn’t enjoy the time I had at all. These past few weeks away have been harder for me than if I were to have stayed at home by myself. Typically, my trip back home to Ontario is genuinely enjoyable and soul-filling. Playing and cuddling with my nieces and nephew, having family dinners, campfires, seeing old friends, hitting up the beach… all of which, are some of my most favorite things to do when I’m back home. However, the peace it usually brings me, wasn’t brought. Time I would normally spend with my family wasn’t “spent”. Things felt much different this time around and I’ve been struggling to discover the root of what caused me to feel this way…which is, things are just inevitably different. And as I dig deep, I have to admit that I just wasn’t as present or engaged this time around.
One of the feelings that I find difficult to explain is the sense of “feeling little” following a devastating loss. This is the “childlike terror” that we are bound to experience. We feel lost and alone. We feel scared and overwhelmed. We don’t understand what God is doing, or how it can possibly get better. I felt this way when my mother died last year. I felt this way when I moved across Canada to a new city. I felt this way when relationships ended for me. Losses come in all shapes and sizes. And the emotions that pile up when it seems like you keep on losing everything becomes unbearable at times. I am not good with loss. I am not good at losing. I am small, fragile, lost, broken.
The only one who can take my losses and turn them into good is the One who created me. The one who breathes life into me and reminds me that He is not finished with me yet. He sees the bigger picture. Throughout the messy parts of life and the losses we may experience, we can always wake up with courage, knowing that God will never leave us in the valleys.
Psalm 27:14 says “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
How do you find the courage to WAIT in such a lonely and painful season of life? How do you rely on a God who gives and takes away? As I sit here waiting to board my flight back to Edmonton, I close my eyes and I gently speak to God “blessed be your Name.” Blessed be HIS name. In every season. In every loss. In every change. His presence is Grace to me. I will choose to wake up to his Grace and remind myself that he is faithful.