learning to let go

I’m not even sure where to begin. It’s been a few months since I’ve sat down and written anything for Fruitful Fellowship. These months have been challenging to say the least. In fact, I’m not sure that I can think of a time when we have been tested as much. It hasn’t been all bad, though. Within this time, we have received the joyful news that we are expecting our third little one, due to arrive this fall. Mr C was immediately thrilled with the news. I, on the other hand, took a bit longer to warm up to the idea of another baby.
I have written in the past about my struggles with PPD. It’s been over a year since Monster was born and it’s still a very real daily struggle. Like many other moms, I have gotten into the habit of trying to do it all. Making 100% of our meals from scratch, and only using organic food. Making all of our toiletries and child needs. Maintaining a perfect home. Earning an income while also raising our children full time. Only using completely natural products around the home. Having a Pinterest worthy home. It became to much. I’m sure it was always too much. What ended up suffering was my time to sit back, have some time with the Lord and reflect on my blessings. I didn’t realize that I already had it all. I have a home. I have the ability to buy food. I have 2 amazing children and a husband who is beyond incredible.
God had plans for me and my short sightedness. There’s nothing quite like throwing in a surprise pregnancy and crippling morning sickness to throw you right back into reality. The reality? I was a mess. Cue mental breakdown mode.
So here we are, 5 months later. I am very stubbornly, and slowly, learning to let go. Non organic blueberries won’t poison my children. Toys on the floor won’t make me a bad mom. Throwing a premade lasagna into the oven isn’t child abuse. Using store bought sunscreen isn’t something to be ashamed of. I still struggle with these things, but I have to learn to just let go. For now my concern needs to be on getting better. What good is organic food for my children, when their mother is barely able to play with them.
I’m learning that another aspect of my PPD is an inability to reach out and ask for help. Or even reach out and talk to people. What I’m left with is some serious social anxiety. People scare me. I am quite content if the only human contact I have is with my kids and Mr C. So to all my friends out there, I’m sorry. I haven’t been ignoring you. It may sound crazy but picking up the phone or even sending out a text is terrifying to me.
And so, to top it all off, it is with great sadness that I am announcing a temporary leave of absence from Fruitful Fellowship. I’m sure that it may sound crazy to some people out there, but blogging has become another aspect of my life that is just too much. The idea of writing a post once a week pretending that all is ok, when it really isn’t, is too much. I can’t post about new recipes, because I’m not really cooking. I can’t post about cool crafts, because we aren’t really doing any.
What we ARE doing, is learning to be a family again. Learning who we are without all the extra pressure in the way. I am learning why God has put me into this role of wife and mom. What that means. What that looks like. God has given us this home and this life. And I need to react accordingly. How I was living was based off of my selfish desire to be perfect. God doesn’t want me to be perfect. He just wants me. He wants all of me. And it is with this new outlook on my life that I aim to fulfill my role here on this earth. All I’ve ever asked for is exactly what He has given me. I have my dream life already, and I need to sit back and praise Him for it. I need to stop trying to be a perfect mom, and start living for Him.
I’m not sure how many of you will actually read this whole thing. But thanks for listening to me babble on.
With love,
Amanda xo

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